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From: Mark Frazer <mjfrazer@tyrant.uwaterloo.ca>
Message-Id: <199801221850.NAA15111@tyrant.uwaterloo.ca>
Subject: Re: Saturday
To: mjfrazer@tyrant.uwaterloo.ca (Mark Frazer)
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 1998 13:50:52 -0500 (EST)
Cc: jsswartz@eecg.toronto.edu, mccready@eecg.toronto.edu,
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In-Reply-To: <199801221847.NAA15095@tyrant.uwaterloo.ca> from "Mark Frazer" at Jan 22, 98 01:47:27 pm
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%t Cat Killing
%n 8R
%s How To Successfully Inactivate A Cat
%a Mike "Gavin" Schmitt  (schmitt@vbe.com)
%d 19961223
%x Schoedinger's Cat
%x
%x
%x
%i Killing Cats
%e
As a fine upstanding member of the universe believing in the equality and
peaceful existence between all species, I must admit:  I don't kill cats.
Never has a cat suffered at my hands.  This is not to say I like them.  If
I were to kill a cat, however, this would be the neatest and fastest way to
go about it.  (I can hear the ASPCA knocking on my door, already.)

Oh, and by the way, believe it or not - cat killing is a very professional
job to undertake in your spare time.  People will pay good money if they
live next to an unwanted feline.

The Steps of Cat Killing:

1) Find a Potential Cat to Kill.  Observe it anywhere from a week to a
decade so you know your target.  A cat may seem lazy or uncoordinated, but
as soon as he thinks you're not looking - he's a freakin' Acro-cat.

2) After observing the cat and discovering its outdoor times - especially
when the owner is not around - walk up to the cat to be sure it's friendly.
It need not be friendly, but this will be useful later on.

3) During the appropriate time (ownerless outside), approach the cat with a
small chunk of baker's chocolate in your hands.  If the cat is not user
friendly, place the chunk of the porch.  Wait for the cat to eat it (and
it will), then casually walk away.

Note:  A study done recently (Autumn 1996) revealed a fact cat killers had
discovered years ago.  One ounce of baker's chocolate can (and will) kill a
fifteen pound cat.  So if the cat is over fifteen pounds, plan accordingly.

4) Simply come back a short while later (twenty minutes is plenty of time)
and the cat will be either dead or unconscious (soon to be dead).  You have
done your job well.

One would say to me, "But Gav, isn't it easier to just stab the little pile
of fur?" and I would have to agree.  The key word being easy.  There are
many other factors.  First, there could be a witness - cat stabbing is an
easily seen crime.

Second, it's very detectable.  Even if you weren't seen, the owners would
know the cat was killed by unnatural means.  Baker's chocolate is completely
undetectable without autopsy, and even then it only shows up as a failure of
the pancreas.  No vet will suspect.  And most cat lovers wouldn't allow the
cat to be cut open dead or alive.

There you have it - a simple, fast, and clean way to kill a cat without any
guilt or worry.  The owners won't even know what hit them.  And neither will
the cat.
%e